so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
