omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
