Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
