fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
