My nipple is on Facebook.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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