The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Let's get the cat blown out
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
