I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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