so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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