Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
