took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
