Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
