C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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