I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
