I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
