I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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