we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
