All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Drunk is not a location!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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