Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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