stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
