I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
