DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
