i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
