So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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