They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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