No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Randomize
