I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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