I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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