I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
