Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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