i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize