Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
