Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
