I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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