so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
