I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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