Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
