I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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