awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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