i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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