He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
