I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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