Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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