i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
