umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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