No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
