I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize