i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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