The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
