Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
