My sheets look like a crime scene.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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