it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
