They should really pass out barf bags in church
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
