hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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