Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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