i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
