my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Randomize
