I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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