Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Randomize
