I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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