The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
