my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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