im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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