When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
