So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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