ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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